Rainy days and bright green fields.

So here I sit, listening to the rain fall on the steps of my front porch, and all I can think about is the past. I sometimes wonder if we can really excape our past? Or are we all tied to and forever connected to the events and people we have had a chance to meet. I think we are always going to be prisoner's to our past. It's in everything, the fields are green because we received a lot of rain last month. Had it been 100 degrees Fahrenheit and dry the fields would be more of a yellow. I think the past is always going to hold an effect on the future. I just hope for more rainy days so someday my fields will shine the brightest green for some lucky girl. All in all though, I'm perfectly ok being alone. That way I can go down whatever road presents itself no strings attached. I know there are things inside of me that will always allow me happiness no matter what the weather conditions or situation may be. We are so resillient and we are alive, maybe for the first and last time, why waste life on things that don't matter? Why do we even take the time to yawn? There is so much to do, so little time, tomorrow I will make a grand start to putting a stop to commonplace ideals and running like mad to anyone with a creative mind who has a burst of life in them.

"Here I rest where disappointment and regret collide"

Today I was reminising of simpler days. I miss those time when my friend and I would drive through the night in my car, listening to some soft melodic emotional music. I loved those drives, but mostly I loved our talks. I love how our talks then were of our aspirations and goals. Now our talks are more infrequent and usually are sparked because of some painful experience that helped us gravitate back to one another. My friend recently had a birthday, I made her a cake. The first cake I have ever made in my life. It was actually really tasty. The sad part was that I told her I had a surprise for her and made her promise she would stop by, before her trip to the bars, as I was planing on being her driver for the evening. Well 12 o'clock came around and she still had not stopped by or called. I called her a couple of times, eventually to reach her, and she told me she was at the bar. She told me to come and asked if my surprise could wait for another day. Well I went to the bar to see her with her new love interest. It's always a little painful to see a good friend leave the best parts of your friendship for better company. I know a significant other offers things that friendship does not. I am sad because I know I have put her in a similar situation reversed. It makes no sense, and the more I think of it a love interest should never come before a friend that has known you all of your life. I hope I make better choices in the future. And I hope my friend finds the time to return my call, or at least stop by one time if only to drop off my cake pan.

Does Love like that exist anymore?

This is my first post in a long while. I suppose I will light a candle and put Rosie Thomas in my record player. This mostly has to do with everything that has troubled me the last three months. I recently fell in love. I never saw it coming, I thought for the longest time that I would be incapable of such a feeling. Now my love has crossed the Atlantic back to her home. It was such a beautiful story is seems more like a perfectly constructed dream. So here is the story.

I was working as a Resident Advisor for summer students, when 7 girls from Germany moved to my hall for the summer. I thought I would be friendly and show them all a good time. I drove them around town and tried to get them acquainted to Midwest life. We decided to go Mini-golfing and I we split into two groups, since there was me and 7 German women. The girls split into groups amongst themselves. I was interested in one of the girls, she had a wonderful smile and had a very kind heart. I had my eye on her from the moment I met Germany. we split into groups and I was in another group than my German crush, I'll call her Ana to avoid confusion. As we progressed through the round, I constantly kept my eye on her and was talking/flirting in her direction through the first 12 holes. One of the tall, dark haired, elegant German girls in my group, let's say Beth, said to me so sweetly, "Ryan if you want to be in the other group you can join them." I realized how self-centered I had been, and how hard I had focused on one girl. Beth made me see how crazy I had been all this time.

From that moment on I felt connected to Beth. I made sure I was exactly where I was at that time. I made sure that I gave my full attention to every person I was in direct company with, she reminded me to live for the moment. I fell closer to her on the ride home as I put on some faint and she told me of her love for electronic music. We then made plans to hang out, just the two of us. I was aware for the first time at mini-golf that she had a boyfriend, but I wasn't looking for a love, or a relationship. Just a good friend.

I learned that she had been playing guitar for 5 years, and she melted my heart as we played and sang a duet to 'No Surprises' by Radiohead. She could pick up the songs so quick that I'd been playing for close to a year. She had the most beautiful soprano voice I had heard in a long while, coupled with her accent, I could have died peacefully in the moment with no regrets. I then cooked her some pasta and we spent the evening chillaxin' to Damien Rice sharing my headphones. We spent the best part of the eveing close to one another, the couch, just right
Time passed, and we slowly realized how we were falling for one another, I finally let her know of my feelings for her, and it caught her off guard and she told me she felt the same way but wasn't allowed to because of her boyfriend. We remained close but at arms length. Then one night she told me she had made up her mind who she wanted between me and her boyfriend. She told me she would tell me the next evening.

That very next evening I took her in my car to escape the city to do some star gazing. She told me one time she missed seeing the stars as she did in her village in Germany. So we took off in my car and traveled to a remote location, I then pulled out a blanket and we lay there cuddled close the hood of my car and watched the shooting stars fly by. I then asked her what she had decided and she kissed me on the cheek, ever so sweet, I then gazed into her eyes and returned that kiss soft upon her lips. She told me that her kiss was her decision. We then spent most evenings inseparable, I soon realized that she had been mistreated by her boyfriend back in Germany, it showed in every way possible. It made me so sad, and I think part of me just wanted to show her it could be made right.

She spent many a night over at my place and before I knew it there was 2 weeks left before she was leaving, this was 2 weeks ago. As I walked her back to her place, as I did every evening, because she was too worried of what her friends would think if she stayed the night at my place, I lost all control over my emotions. I asked her, I said what happens to us, when you return to Germany and she said she didn't know, and didn't know if she would get back with her boyfriend. So I told her that I couldn't be with her anymore, that it was too hard for me. I told her I was in love with her and that I couldn't handle a pre-determined plane ticket would fly her forever out of my life. It happened to be the first day of fall. What do you know, I let my love leave on that first day of fall, I thought it was a sign, that assured me that I was making the correct choice. She told me, "No Ryan please don't let this be the last time I see you. I need to see you again." I told her as tears were streaming down my face, "Sweetie, I need to feel like I have some control in this, I can't accept that it is just going to end and there is nothing I can do to stop it." She said, "OK Ryan, do what you think is best, I love you." At the moment she said those words I lost myself completely. I was completely unattached from my body. Every thing inside of me was pouring out of my face, and I ran. I ran out the door, and she went inside, I came back knocked on her door told her I loved her too, kissed her so soft and sweet on the lips and said goodnight.

I didn't see her again until the Friday morning right before she left. Little did I know she would go to bed at 9 o'clock that evening, but as I arrived to knock on her door, there was no answer. After repeated knocks her roommate came to the door to tell me that they were trying to sleep and that I should leave them alone. So I agreed, she said my darling was not in the room, and that I should come back in the morning if I wanted to see her. As her friend told me the news, I could hear Beth sobbing in the back round. I think that very noise will haunt my dreams until my heart becomes numb to love. So I sat and waited, and oh I waited. I waited until 3:30 A.m. when she awoke to get prepared for her long travel home. Her roommates were all up and one of them came out and told me, that if Beth did not want to see me, and that i had my chance to say goodbye. She continued, "Beth is never going to see you again, you should move on, get over it, she is going back to her home and she has to get ready to leave. She said that if I did not leave in 10 minutes she would call the police. I was not so impressed with her threat, but I thought I would be polite and I finished my 10 page note to Beth and slipped it under her door. I told her to meet me at the fountain (our spot) if she wanted to see me. I waited outside in the cold for another two hours before I saw her walking my direction.

At first I thought it was my imagination as I saw a tall girl with dark hard walking in high heels my direction. It is amazing the feeling one receives when desperately waiting for something, to wish for something to appear, spending hours looking at a cetain place only to see the haunting effect of emptiness. When she finally did appear, I thought she was a mirage, dressed in all black, slowly coming into view through the fog. The way she gracefully walked in her high heals, hands out to the side I will never forget the way she walked back into my life. I had never watched her walk, as I always was the one walking by her side. It's amazing how much a person notices when they think they might be seeing something for the last time. When I saw her face, and realized it was her my heart lept with joy.

I was cold and shaking, but I jumped to my feet and received the best hug of my life. I told her of how she had saved my heart. I told her, "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to stalk you all night. I just had to see you one last time, you told me you needed to see me once more, and I've always wanted to give you everything you deserved, and so much more. I will always carry you in my heart everywhere I go, and I will miss you so much. But I will be okay, I am strong, and even stronger because of having you. I feel so lucky to have met you, I know this has been so much sorter than I wanted, but some guys go there whole lives and never meet a girl as amazing as you. She then told me, "Ryan you mean so much to me, I know we will see each other again. Please stay in contact with me. Thank you for everything you did for me." I then kissed her on the forehead and smelled her hair one last time, and she returned a kiss on my cheek. We held each other in one long embrace, which should have lasted for all of time, a last goodbye never lasts as long as it should. She wiped the single tear that had fallen from my face and as she turned to leave, as she had said earlier that she must go, all I could do was watch her silhouette disappear into the hazy mist of a dense morning. I started to walk after her, to get my bicycle which was parked outside her building complex but I decided that was the way it was meant to end. What else could I say to her that I had not said before, I then walked in the other direction back to my home.

I spent the next hour alone, and despondent, I grabbed my clove cigarettes that I only smoke in social situations, and I headed out to my front porch and lit a slow burning Djarium black. I reminisced of everything that happened, all that she had meant to me, I thought of how perfect everything had seemed to me. I then decided I needed to go inside and escape the eerie feeling of a sunrise passing through fog. Normally i would be in love with such a moment, but given the situation I opted instead for a container of coffee flavored ice cream to mend my broken heart. I think everything is sumed up by the lyrics of Ben Lee, "Make a list of things you need leave it empty, except for number one write love gamble everything."

In conclusion, this is where I am at in my life, at a point where I need some time for reflection and to see how I will react to everything that transpired. I gave everything for love, and I have a feeling someday that love will return in kind. What a beautiful romance, it will take awhile to get back up from this and I have many thoughts to figure out, and I still am sorting it all out. I haven't slept a night in over 2 weeks since we last spent an evening together, but I know that sleep will come, and pain will yield and my heart will go stronger. The smell of her is to fresh in my mind, but with time that too will pass. Her haunting image that is engrained into my memory will slowly fade to many good memories. It has only been 3 days, all I can hope is that this feeling will pass in time. I am lucky to have been blessed with love, even though it was only for a passing glance.

sigur ros - untitled #1 (vaka)

I am amazed by this band. Sigur Ros changed the way I listen to music. This video breaks my heart. Their music is so passionate and beautiful.

"I only wanted to be wonderful and wonderful is true in truth I only wanted to be wanted by you."

Here is my what I have to say on this issue. I must give it from the perspective that I have come to live. I would like to start by saying in no way does appearance define any single person who is worth talking a second of time. I would then contend to give the main reasons for my actions in response to the question, what would possess a 21-year-old college student to shave his head in the middle of one of the coldest states in the continental US in the middle of winter. To this I respond with the following contentions, First my frustration of material culture, second the practicality of being bald, and finally that I am honoring the best man I ever hope to know, my grandpa.

First of all we live in a culture that is defined by appearance, I am striving to get beyond this by being a catalyst for a movement so some will take notice. I believe it is Jack Johnson who put to verse, "These clothes can keep us warm just like those, but what about your heart is it gold?"

Being a male and losing my hair could be a traumatic event. I know it sounds crazy but studies have shown that many men have suffered from depression from receding hairlines, or thinning hair. I would like to say I am above this but I have been caught up for a time in wanting to have someone else’s hair. This all stems from pressure from other people. I have heard it all in my time it is usually three or four times a week, "Getting a little thin up there", or "you have more hair on your face than on your head." And best friends saying, "check out my best friend he is balding at 21." And on and on.

In fact it is everyone else’s obsession with the issue that is bothering me the most. I have come to accept and embrace it. It is like being born tall; short, with blue, brown eyes. It is from being stressed, drinking too much coffee, smoking the occasional cigar with the boys, it is from my father, and his father, and my mom and her mother and her mother’s mother...ect. It is just natural, it happens to near everyone at some point in his or her lives. Most males become so insecure with this that they have comb over, take vitamins, buy expensive shampoo, use lotions to help regrow hair, wigs and hair pieces and the biggest most disturbing to me hair restoration.

When did this all start? This fascination with hair loss...in fact it has been shown that many athletes loose their hair because of high levels of testosterone (Extreme amounts of Manliness). I blame media and the shallow culture we thrive in, I blame the insecurities that are placed on us by our own vanity. The belief that we can buy a cure to all of the "problems" that throws at us. I put the most blame on the Television and the commercials that guys are bombarded with every 15 minutes, the result of watching TNT, ESPN, ect. They say hey don't want to end up being a bald basketball do you. Or show the before and after...I will contend those guys look no different other than the look on their face. The before guy always looks as though he has the biggest hangover in the world where as the after picture he looks as though he could have just won the lottery-Don't believe me take a look in 15 minutes when one of those commercials comes on.

GIRLS TKAE NOTICE!!!!! There are people who are making millions probably the same likeminded people who sell bone skinny models to be the only form of beauty. Girls buy into this just or more than guys do, the fact that in near ever add in a typically female-targeted magazine such as: Cosmo. Seventeen, ect. The ads are all skin and bone females wearing very little clothes. My sister even said, "My friend she is beautiful, she is tiny." As if tiny and beautiful are synonyms. I think everyone should wake up, turn off their TV, and focus on what is true. The movie shallow Hall I think has one of the best messages of any movie I have yet to see. It hits the main point that some of the most miserable people in the world are the ones that buy into material culture. Be cautious around those who are possessed by this they are perhaps the saddest people to grace the face of the earth.

Now another important reason is the practicality of being completely bald. I decided to shave my head is because I shaved my head while I was at Towson and I liked the way it felt. I liked the fact that when I woke up in the morning it was the best I was going to look all day. I didn't have to comb my hair, ha;), if it was windy no problem, Rain feels wonderful, It doesn't itch, I takes me 5 minutes to shave if I shave every 3-4 days or so. It saves on money; I don't have to buy shampoo, hair gel, brushes, and combs. It is also much cooler well that’s not a big concern in winter but with the cold you can always wear a hat and after awhile it feels the same as the difference between beard and no beard. I guess bottom line I just have more confidence this way. I don't have to worry about dandruff, less cutting remarks; find out is worth your time.

My next reason for shaving my head was the fact that I like the look. I think it is a very versatile look. It is a very original look as well if you look at the numbers those who do shave their head and those who are daring enough to try it and those who never will. Also I was loosing my hair anyway so I mean why not embrace it and see that it is not a big deal to loose ones hair. Next many people who are noteworthy rock the shaved head many of whom I think are kind of badass and definitely unique, Michael Stipe (REM), Darrius Rucker (hooter and the blow fish), Michael Jordan, Vin Diesel, Billy Corgan (smashing pumpkins), Moby, Bruce Willis, and most recently Jack Nickelson, and Natalie Portman, not worth really mentioning but yes Brittany Spears.

The main and perhaps most important reason my grandpa was diagnosed with cancer for the second time at this time of the year one year ago. My grandpa was my best friend; we had a bond that is hard to explain and even to comprehend. We could look at one another in the eyes and share a million words without uttering a sound. Soon after I would get this goofy grin on my face and he would return that smile, and before long we would erupt in laughter. It was beautiful, the understanding we had of each other. He made a lot of mistakes in his life but that was what made him so perfect. He was my hero; he was everything I ever wanted to be. He had 3 sons, 2 daughter, 20 some grandchildren and 12 great grandchildren when he passed away. But the people he touched in his life...it was incredible. He always made conversation and would talk for hours with the guy at the gas station, or a stranger in the street. My grandpa lived through the civil rights movement, he lived through the depression, Served in World War II as a Morse code operator. My grandpa was invincible to me, until I found out in early March that his cancer that had been stopped had came back stronger. He fought like hell, and I visited him every couple of weeks in the hospital. In fact he spend perhaps a total of 4 months in the hospital. I remember walking down corridor number 3 in the Hosp week after week. I remember distinctly feeling a part of me die each time I left not knowing for sure if that would be the last time I saw him. I remember the chemo and how it affected him. How it made him bitter and resentful how he yelled at my grandma. How terrible such a thing chemo is that it must attempt to slow or destroy cancer. I remember how my grandma stood all the time by his side night after night getting no sleep...while my grandpa suffered. I remember him sleeping all the time through the day and my grandma looking after him cooking him meals he could even touch. I remember how weak they got. I remember the first time I ever saw or heard of my grandma crying. It broke my heart. I was so relieved the day he passed, it was selfish for me to want him or my grandma to bear that pain. I didn't cry at all...as I placed my favorite lure that he gave me, for our fishing ventures, in his coffin. I told the best story I could one that made everyone in the church that day break out in laughter. I will tell whoever wants to hear all about it. Simple fact is...my grandpa lost all his hair through the chemo. I regret not shaving my head right with him while he was going through that. I have very few regrets but I regret that of the very few things I could do that I didn't do more. So to honor the greatest man I have ever known, I decide to shave my head.

In conclusion If you have read all of this so far you are either really bored, are Mad (like in the way Kerouach defines the term) or you are a literate person who takes time to notice things. So I don't expect this to be life changing or anything it's just a haircut but I guess if anything it's meant to be a statement to embrace oneself and just an attempt to feel comfortable. I hope that everyone understands that I do not long for my curly hair of my youth...that I am myself and that everyone should love me for who I am and finally those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

Damien Rice live on Other Voices (part 2 of 8)

Oh the music of Damien Rice and the way it moves me.