Does Love like that exist anymore?

This is my first post in a long while. I suppose I will light a candle and put Rosie Thomas in my record player. This mostly has to do with everything that has troubled me the last three months. I recently fell in love. I never saw it coming, I thought for the longest time that I would be incapable of such a feeling. Now my love has crossed the Atlantic back to her home. It was such a beautiful story is seems more like a perfectly constructed dream. So here is the story.

I was working as a Resident Advisor for summer students, when 7 girls from Germany moved to my hall for the summer. I thought I would be friendly and show them all a good time. I drove them around town and tried to get them acquainted to Midwest life. We decided to go Mini-golfing and I we split into two groups, since there was me and 7 German women. The girls split into groups amongst themselves. I was interested in one of the girls, she had a wonderful smile and had a very kind heart. I had my eye on her from the moment I met Germany. we split into groups and I was in another group than my German crush, I'll call her Ana to avoid confusion. As we progressed through the round, I constantly kept my eye on her and was talking/flirting in her direction through the first 12 holes. One of the tall, dark haired, elegant German girls in my group, let's say Beth, said to me so sweetly, "Ryan if you want to be in the other group you can join them." I realized how self-centered I had been, and how hard I had focused on one girl. Beth made me see how crazy I had been all this time.

From that moment on I felt connected to Beth. I made sure I was exactly where I was at that time. I made sure that I gave my full attention to every person I was in direct company with, she reminded me to live for the moment. I fell closer to her on the ride home as I put on some faint and she told me of her love for electronic music. We then made plans to hang out, just the two of us. I was aware for the first time at mini-golf that she had a boyfriend, but I wasn't looking for a love, or a relationship. Just a good friend.

I learned that she had been playing guitar for 5 years, and she melted my heart as we played and sang a duet to 'No Surprises' by Radiohead. She could pick up the songs so quick that I'd been playing for close to a year. She had the most beautiful soprano voice I had heard in a long while, coupled with her accent, I could have died peacefully in the moment with no regrets. I then cooked her some pasta and we spent the evening chillaxin' to Damien Rice sharing my headphones. We spent the best part of the eveing close to one another, the couch, just right
Time passed, and we slowly realized how we were falling for one another, I finally let her know of my feelings for her, and it caught her off guard and she told me she felt the same way but wasn't allowed to because of her boyfriend. We remained close but at arms length. Then one night she told me she had made up her mind who she wanted between me and her boyfriend. She told me she would tell me the next evening.

That very next evening I took her in my car to escape the city to do some star gazing. She told me one time she missed seeing the stars as she did in her village in Germany. So we took off in my car and traveled to a remote location, I then pulled out a blanket and we lay there cuddled close the hood of my car and watched the shooting stars fly by. I then asked her what she had decided and she kissed me on the cheek, ever so sweet, I then gazed into her eyes and returned that kiss soft upon her lips. She told me that her kiss was her decision. We then spent most evenings inseparable, I soon realized that she had been mistreated by her boyfriend back in Germany, it showed in every way possible. It made me so sad, and I think part of me just wanted to show her it could be made right.

She spent many a night over at my place and before I knew it there was 2 weeks left before she was leaving, this was 2 weeks ago. As I walked her back to her place, as I did every evening, because she was too worried of what her friends would think if she stayed the night at my place, I lost all control over my emotions. I asked her, I said what happens to us, when you return to Germany and she said she didn't know, and didn't know if she would get back with her boyfriend. So I told her that I couldn't be with her anymore, that it was too hard for me. I told her I was in love with her and that I couldn't handle a pre-determined plane ticket would fly her forever out of my life. It happened to be the first day of fall. What do you know, I let my love leave on that first day of fall, I thought it was a sign, that assured me that I was making the correct choice. She told me, "No Ryan please don't let this be the last time I see you. I need to see you again." I told her as tears were streaming down my face, "Sweetie, I need to feel like I have some control in this, I can't accept that it is just going to end and there is nothing I can do to stop it." She said, "OK Ryan, do what you think is best, I love you." At the moment she said those words I lost myself completely. I was completely unattached from my body. Every thing inside of me was pouring out of my face, and I ran. I ran out the door, and she went inside, I came back knocked on her door told her I loved her too, kissed her so soft and sweet on the lips and said goodnight.

I didn't see her again until the Friday morning right before she left. Little did I know she would go to bed at 9 o'clock that evening, but as I arrived to knock on her door, there was no answer. After repeated knocks her roommate came to the door to tell me that they were trying to sleep and that I should leave them alone. So I agreed, she said my darling was not in the room, and that I should come back in the morning if I wanted to see her. As her friend told me the news, I could hear Beth sobbing in the back round. I think that very noise will haunt my dreams until my heart becomes numb to love. So I sat and waited, and oh I waited. I waited until 3:30 A.m. when she awoke to get prepared for her long travel home. Her roommates were all up and one of them came out and told me, that if Beth did not want to see me, and that i had my chance to say goodbye. She continued, "Beth is never going to see you again, you should move on, get over it, she is going back to her home and she has to get ready to leave. She said that if I did not leave in 10 minutes she would call the police. I was not so impressed with her threat, but I thought I would be polite and I finished my 10 page note to Beth and slipped it under her door. I told her to meet me at the fountain (our spot) if she wanted to see me. I waited outside in the cold for another two hours before I saw her walking my direction.

At first I thought it was my imagination as I saw a tall girl with dark hard walking in high heels my direction. It is amazing the feeling one receives when desperately waiting for something, to wish for something to appear, spending hours looking at a cetain place only to see the haunting effect of emptiness. When she finally did appear, I thought she was a mirage, dressed in all black, slowly coming into view through the fog. The way she gracefully walked in her high heals, hands out to the side I will never forget the way she walked back into my life. I had never watched her walk, as I always was the one walking by her side. It's amazing how much a person notices when they think they might be seeing something for the last time. When I saw her face, and realized it was her my heart lept with joy.

I was cold and shaking, but I jumped to my feet and received the best hug of my life. I told her of how she had saved my heart. I told her, "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to stalk you all night. I just had to see you one last time, you told me you needed to see me once more, and I've always wanted to give you everything you deserved, and so much more. I will always carry you in my heart everywhere I go, and I will miss you so much. But I will be okay, I am strong, and even stronger because of having you. I feel so lucky to have met you, I know this has been so much sorter than I wanted, but some guys go there whole lives and never meet a girl as amazing as you. She then told me, "Ryan you mean so much to me, I know we will see each other again. Please stay in contact with me. Thank you for everything you did for me." I then kissed her on the forehead and smelled her hair one last time, and she returned a kiss on my cheek. We held each other in one long embrace, which should have lasted for all of time, a last goodbye never lasts as long as it should. She wiped the single tear that had fallen from my face and as she turned to leave, as she had said earlier that she must go, all I could do was watch her silhouette disappear into the hazy mist of a dense morning. I started to walk after her, to get my bicycle which was parked outside her building complex but I decided that was the way it was meant to end. What else could I say to her that I had not said before, I then walked in the other direction back to my home.

I spent the next hour alone, and despondent, I grabbed my clove cigarettes that I only smoke in social situations, and I headed out to my front porch and lit a slow burning Djarium black. I reminisced of everything that happened, all that she had meant to me, I thought of how perfect everything had seemed to me. I then decided I needed to go inside and escape the eerie feeling of a sunrise passing through fog. Normally i would be in love with such a moment, but given the situation I opted instead for a container of coffee flavored ice cream to mend my broken heart. I think everything is sumed up by the lyrics of Ben Lee, "Make a list of things you need leave it empty, except for number one write love gamble everything."

In conclusion, this is where I am at in my life, at a point where I need some time for reflection and to see how I will react to everything that transpired. I gave everything for love, and I have a feeling someday that love will return in kind. What a beautiful romance, it will take awhile to get back up from this and I have many thoughts to figure out, and I still am sorting it all out. I haven't slept a night in over 2 weeks since we last spent an evening together, but I know that sleep will come, and pain will yield and my heart will go stronger. The smell of her is to fresh in my mind, but with time that too will pass. Her haunting image that is engrained into my memory will slowly fade to many good memories. It has only been 3 days, all I can hope is that this feeling will pass in time. I am lucky to have been blessed with love, even though it was only for a passing glance.